Have you ever felt like you wish you could play Dr Frankenstein and mash people ?

For example: My reg news person always has an excuse for either being late, or for doing thrings wrong. I call things to her attention and its never a "youre right ill work on that" nope! there is always an excuse and it pisses me off to no end. However - shes aggressive, fast and on top of her game.

Her back up - each every time tells me Yes yes yes and im sorry 20 times if need be. Never an excuse! however shes slow and needs help. But if I could mush these two up it would be the most amazing news woman on earth!

Same applies to others like my friends...my wanna be friends, my "fans" - if somehow I was able to mash them up I would have friends that would be more in tune, more interested and not so aloof.

I have to admit that there is an unwritten and unspoken understanding that i like my privacy, my alone time but most of my friends have taken this to an extreme, and at times I wish they would celebrate a little my little life triumphs, just as the fans do, but without the overwhelming feeling that comes with them.



When in France - speak French! C'est la vie!

So they've gone on to change my little blogger thingee - and Ive kept now most of my posts private as im sure they will look too plain to read - and ultimately you my dear wanderer who happened to land here may not appreciate these plain words without some visual stimulation - LOL

Currently, some uncertainties have surfaced in my life that now have me questioning my future, my current goals and ultimately whether the last few years have been a bad investment. That last statement in itself its a heavy load, as a believer that we all forge our future and there is never a lesson lost - admitting it is in itself a huge deal.

I seek, crave, implore, demand balance in my life. An equal amount of love, nurturing to the amount of strength, sacrifice and push that i put out whether its into work, or a relationship whatever its nature.

My work relationship is currently on the rocks with continuous arguments, and a non satisfying feeling only matched by the overwhelming amount of responsibility and idiocy. Im dreading waking up in the morning so early to enable a person who is non appreciative and who in turn only demands more while doing less yet still managing to sound more like a caveman every day. The talent is running out and its obvious when pressured. Blinds are coming off and he's desperately looking for others to blame for his continued failure, which only comes from the lack of grey matter that is needed in order to multitask.
The constant attacks due to his fuck ups continuously remind me of my failed marriage as I experience the same exact feeling as I did then - cornered and looming for a way out.

Furthermore my love life has stalled - and I shiver at the thought that it may get worse, that in fact the steps backwards and this overall lack of focus, or satisfying achievement - or even a lack of a "goal" has me unstable, looking for ways to set things right, however the more I look the more frustrated and discouraged Ive become as it truly depends on other's views about the  role I  play  in their lives.

I hate to admit - im really lost - as the person that I manage to be become and still continue to grow into - right now there seems to be no clear path that would lead me in the direction of happiness...pride and self reassuring that is a daily nourishment to my somewhat secluded life.

Tears

I have this overwhelming need of being accepted, appreciated , valued. And when I have cried the most its when I believe anther person, whether a significant other or employer overlooks how much I give up or look over or simply give up to be in said situation, Whether romantic or business sometimes the sacrifice is still the same.

ahhh then again Im drunk! - 6 beers in 5 hours keepts me in place but still I cannot say Im sober.

Bad thing? I dont eat and I lose track of time - my e otones run high and eventually I resolve shit!

Good thing? lunch and dinner cost me 14.99 altogether cuz I dont eat while drinkign and if I eat I stop[ - anywaaaay fact is that i guess its better than eating out!

Long Time Coming

I've been thinking a LOT about you little blog. A LOT!

The many daily tribulations keep me from you, but I think of you often, and of course many of the other things that I write , which remain on my computer under personal vigilance, should make it to you soon.

However priorities are priorities.

Right now mine is to get some order back in my life.

For 6 almost 7 years I did nothing but party it up...getting over a relationship and allowing myself to be young, to date, to be wild, to not care.

Now at 44 yrs old I keep looking for that stability that most find in their 30's but I was too fucked up in the head to even noticed no matter if it bit me in the ass. Then again...Cant think of anyone in those years that really would have fit the bill...then again! who knows! I was either high, drunk, or just having too much fun with some girl to notice the next one.

Professional or personal accomplishments pale in comparison on how much I wish to have someone to share my life with...it goes unnoticed...I could die tomorrow and I wouldnt have a legacy..no one to "survive" me.

Its odd...but it hit me about 5 years ago...I fell in the bath tub..and i hit myself in the head in the toilet...curtain down..half my body on the bathroom floor and my legs in the tub. I wouldn't be found for days fer sure...cuz as an experiment I didn't call anyone...about 4 days later the calls started. 4 days! I would be rotting!! and that's when my quest started.

Eulogies usually end with "survived by" - as it stands at this moment - I'm survived by my mom and that's a hard thought to process when I'm so much more or at least I am in my head!!

So lets just say I want to add " she's survived by her mom and her blog" lol smh.