Have you ever felt like you wish you could play Dr Frankenstein and mash people ?

For example: My reg news person always has an excuse for either being late, or for doing thrings wrong. I call things to her attention and its never a "youre right ill work on that" nope! there is always an excuse and it pisses me off to no end. However - shes aggressive, fast and on top of her game.

Her back up - each every time tells me Yes yes yes and im sorry 20 times if need be. Never an excuse! however shes slow and needs help. But if I could mush these two up it would be the most amazing news woman on earth!

Same applies to others like my friends...my wanna be friends, my "fans" - if somehow I was able to mash them up I would have friends that would be more in tune, more interested and not so aloof.

I have to admit that there is an unwritten and unspoken understanding that i like my privacy, my alone time but most of my friends have taken this to an extreme, and at times I wish they would celebrate a little my little life triumphs, just as the fans do, but without the overwhelming feeling that comes with them.



When in France - speak French! C'est la vie!

So they've gone on to change my little blogger thingee - and Ive kept now most of my posts private as im sure they will look too plain to read - and ultimately you my dear wanderer who happened to land here may not appreciate these plain words without some visual stimulation - LOL

Currently, some uncertainties have surfaced in my life that now have me questioning my future, my current goals and ultimately whether the last few years have been a bad investment. That last statement in itself its a heavy load, as a believer that we all forge our future and there is never a lesson lost - admitting it is in itself a huge deal.

I seek, crave, implore, demand balance in my life. An equal amount of love, nurturing to the amount of strength, sacrifice and push that i put out whether its into work, or a relationship whatever its nature.

My work relationship is currently on the rocks with continuous arguments, and a non satisfying feeling only matched by the overwhelming amount of responsibility and idiocy. Im dreading waking up in the morning so early to enable a person who is non appreciative and who in turn only demands more while doing less yet still managing to sound more like a caveman every day. The talent is running out and its obvious when pressured. Blinds are coming off and he's desperately looking for others to blame for his continued failure, which only comes from the lack of grey matter that is needed in order to multitask.
The constant attacks due to his fuck ups continuously remind me of my failed marriage as I experience the same exact feeling as I did then - cornered and looming for a way out.

Furthermore my love life has stalled - and I shiver at the thought that it may get worse, that in fact the steps backwards and this overall lack of focus, or satisfying achievement - or even a lack of a "goal" has me unstable, looking for ways to set things right, however the more I look the more frustrated and discouraged Ive become as it truly depends on other's views about the  role I  play  in their lives.

I hate to admit - im really lost - as the person that I manage to be become and still continue to grow into - right now there seems to be no clear path that would lead me in the direction of happiness...pride and self reassuring that is a daily nourishment to my somewhat secluded life.

Tears

I have this overwhelming need of being accepted, appreciated , valued. And when I have cried the most its when I believe anther person, whether a significant other or employer overlooks how much I give up or look over or simply give up to be in said situation, Whether romantic or business sometimes the sacrifice is still the same.

ahhh then again Im drunk! - 6 beers in 5 hours keepts me in place but still I cannot say Im sober.

Bad thing? I dont eat and I lose track of time - my e otones run high and eventually I resolve shit!

Good thing? lunch and dinner cost me 14.99 altogether cuz I dont eat while drinkign and if I eat I stop[ - anywaaaay fact is that i guess its better than eating out!

Long Time Coming

I've been thinking a LOT about you little blog. A LOT!

The many daily tribulations keep me from you, but I think of you often, and of course many of the other things that I write , which remain on my computer under personal vigilance, should make it to you soon.

However priorities are priorities.

Right now mine is to get some order back in my life.

For 6 almost 7 years I did nothing but party it up...getting over a relationship and allowing myself to be young, to date, to be wild, to not care.

Now at 44 yrs old I keep looking for that stability that most find in their 30's but I was too fucked up in the head to even noticed no matter if it bit me in the ass. Then again...Cant think of anyone in those years that really would have fit the bill...then again! who knows! I was either high, drunk, or just having too much fun with some girl to notice the next one.

Professional or personal accomplishments pale in comparison on how much I wish to have someone to share my life with...it goes unnoticed...I could die tomorrow and I wouldnt have a legacy..no one to "survive" me.

Its odd...but it hit me about 5 years ago...I fell in the bath tub..and i hit myself in the head in the toilet...curtain down..half my body on the bathroom floor and my legs in the tub. I wouldn't be found for days fer sure...cuz as an experiment I didn't call anyone...about 4 days later the calls started. 4 days! I would be rotting!! and that's when my quest started.

Eulogies usually end with "survived by" - as it stands at this moment - I'm survived by my mom and that's a hard thought to process when I'm so much more or at least I am in my head!!

So lets just say I want to add " she's survived by her mom and her blog" lol smh.

Facts vs Feelings

Given that she was abandoned by her husband, left behind with a 6yr old surrounded by HIS family in a place far from public transportation with no money and just pure will to carry on, My mom is a no nonsense person - very FACTUAL. "Pan pan, vino vino" is one of her usual sayings...meaning this is what it is - dont look for any hidden meaning. FACTUAL, Black and White whatever you may call it but that's who my mom is.


For many many years Ive tried to be different from this "factual" upbringing; trying to see the grays, feeling more and thinking less, yet the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. I am my mother's child and whats has been drilled on to my psyche is to see situations, people and life in a "Is" or "ISNT" category.


However this same categorizing causes great pain, given that although one may factually analyze situations - the heart, emotions and other factors do get in the way, clouding views and resolutions. Indeed my dear reader, I find myself "clouded" when aming decisions about my emotions and my future.



Given that today I felt more torn than ever, I called my mom - mother of everything factual. I exposed facts..then emotions...then she asked many questions and there it was - all categorized for me - what was black. What was white. And what were the very disliked greys. She's an industrial sorter this lady! Lastly she asked me very pivotal questions: What are your needs, you wishes, and what do you need to get there and then it hit me. Ive been so stuck on getting what I want and what I think would make me happy that Ive forgotten to search for what I NEED. I havent allowed things to flow into my life because this fight to fit a stencil, pattern and mold hasnt allowed it.

She definitely had amazing perception of things. I felt protected, cared, nurtured and assured that my mom will always be that rock for me. She is by far the strongest, biggest and most important person in my life. I was so lucky to be chosen to be her baby!



Now I have a huge task..sort my emotions, values, desires and set forth goals for ME..for my future, though allowing a few stops to cry, mend and lick wounds. Must reincorpoate to my life the doctrine: "things are or they arent, nothing comes forced"

If anyone reads and feels Ive ever forced a situation, know please that I never intended it for the wrong reasons...I simply am looking to be loved, cared, nurtured, happy and offer all of this and myself in return.

Cuz the Bible says so!!

This past week I received an email from a concerned friend explaining that I lead an empty life cuz I have NO LOVE, that it only lies within Jesus and that saving my soul was a priority above all cuz I was to burn in hell. Fuming, I started to reply ...and at that moment I stopped took a deep breath and asked God for clarity.
Instead of an intense accusatory, nasty reply, I was able to compose one very self assured note that concluded with the demand to be respected for my acomplishments, my daily contributions and lastly by God's own command "love one another".

A few moments ago, in a documentary I learned that in Sri Lanka, upon knowing that a woman is a lesbian it is customary for the family to tie her up and have the males continuosly rape the female in order to convert her. SERIOUSLY? The level of stupidity all in the name of soul saving is beyond comprehension.

What baffles me however is that the God I grew up with, is one of love, of understanding..even if Roman Catholic, which is super traditional, somehow I always understood that the bible is a compilation of tales which are to be used for guidance; to learn the wrong and the good..and that only the Gospels really show what Jesus did, said...even then there are 4 Gospels! As a recolection of events, each one of them is a bit different from the other. However Holy the bible may be, there are books that that list craziness that defy sanity! here are a few examples:
Beware of barber:
Leviticus 19:27 “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

No tattoos!! Leviticus 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

No sex while having your period! Leviticus 20:18 "if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Gotta love the Leviticus! is one fun filled book! LOL

By default - all Latinos will go to Hell for eating pork and for having some dude in our family not recognize a kid.
Leviticus 11:8, discussing pigs, “You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.” Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

Which reminds me of a joke about Puerto Ricans in hell.

An airplane full of Puerto Ricans crashes on the sea..and unfortunately they end up in Hell.

After a few weeks God asks Archangel Michael: "Michael, we all know how special Puerto Ricans are. Please check with Lucifer and see how he's doing with his new tenants"

Michael gets on the red phone and hears it ring 5 times when finally Lucifer answers: "Hello!, ah damn it..hold on"

A few minutes later he gets back on the phone "yeah what's up?"

Michael: "Hey we were just checking to see.."when he gets interrupted by Lucifer: "nooo not again!!..Crap! brb"

A few MORE minutes later he gets back on the phone: "Mike - im sorry bit Im way busy - whats going on?"

Michael: "just checking on The Puerto.." AGAIN gets interrupted "I swear!!...damn it!! brb"

MORE and MORE minutes when finally Lucifer gets on the phone:"quick!! tell me whats up?"

Michael says quickly: "just checking on the Puerto Ricans"

Lucifer: "Theyre driving me CRAZY!! They found some drums and started making loud music! They keep drinking, dancing having sex, partying till wee hours and somehow they managed to turn off the fire and ...WAIT!! ....Where the hell did they find that AC!!"?

Learning Pateince

I feel that every aspect of my life is now testing my patience.
My romantic aspect - or lack thereof - on hold...Must be patient.
My job - contract is up next month - must be patient
My next job - Cant go after it till contract is up - Must be patient
My move - if Im going to NY - not yet - Must be patient

Hmmm see a common thread? oh you dont? lol Must be patient!!