Writing has always been an escape - a way to form ideas that may not necessarily be concrete or complete in my head...yet somehow find their way through my fingers while I type away.
This moment i feel is pivotal to the rest of my life..I have a huge decision to make which somehow was forced on me.
A month ago my godsons still had a father, and a mom who is one the strongest and best moms Ive seen. i also had the benefit of a steady relationship with someone who swore to be there. I also had the back up of friends, co workers and a special someone who professed undying love - security - support and over all acceptance.
I will digress...My relationship was broken previously and although it was on steady grounds it was also one that had to be pieced together. Meanwhile as the infamous Marc Anthony song goes "Hubo alguien" - someone who was wonderful and caring, understood me and had so many thoughtful moments and details towards me that I must admit i never felt as special as I did then. Someone who I had, in order to move past whatever failures I had in my relationship, walk away from. yet, never walked away form the hope that there was still a story to be continued.
As life's turns would have it, my friend lost his life battling cancer, leaving my 2 godsons w/o a dad..and my best friend gasping for air to breath.
Now I'm a month away from my contract expiring..dealing with the left over emotional turmoil of accepting that maybe piecing my relationship back together was a mistake because when I most needed that support and that love to help me concentrate on what's best for those I love, the ground I was walking on started to shake and I fell down to another level.
In the last 15 years Ive always felt that if my personal life - my love life, my own personal space is in order then everything else will follow. The security i feel when I'm steady and working towards a common goal is one that fills me beyond belief.
Truth? i cant wait to be in a committed relationship. One that will not walk away when the going gets tough...unfortunately, not many people can commit or make good on their promises.
I'm now pondering whether its 2 failed relationships I should mourn..while i try to be patient enough for my contract to be over and then figure out my next step. I cant even wink an eye at another company or job until that contract expires...and w/o the support of a loved one I'm feeling desolate, a bit hopeless, a lot lonely and at times despair.
Praying for strength, patience and clarity..
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