Facts vs Feelings

Given that she was abandoned by her husband, left behind with a 6yr old surrounded by HIS family in a place far from public transportation with no money and just pure will to carry on, My mom is a no nonsense person - very FACTUAL. "Pan pan, vino vino" is one of her usual sayings...meaning this is what it is - dont look for any hidden meaning. FACTUAL, Black and White whatever you may call it but that's who my mom is.


For many many years Ive tried to be different from this "factual" upbringing; trying to see the grays, feeling more and thinking less, yet the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. I am my mother's child and whats has been drilled on to my psyche is to see situations, people and life in a "Is" or "ISNT" category.


However this same categorizing causes great pain, given that although one may factually analyze situations - the heart, emotions and other factors do get in the way, clouding views and resolutions. Indeed my dear reader, I find myself "clouded" when aming decisions about my emotions and my future.



Given that today I felt more torn than ever, I called my mom - mother of everything factual. I exposed facts..then emotions...then she asked many questions and there it was - all categorized for me - what was black. What was white. And what were the very disliked greys. She's an industrial sorter this lady! Lastly she asked me very pivotal questions: What are your needs, you wishes, and what do you need to get there and then it hit me. Ive been so stuck on getting what I want and what I think would make me happy that Ive forgotten to search for what I NEED. I havent allowed things to flow into my life because this fight to fit a stencil, pattern and mold hasnt allowed it.

She definitely had amazing perception of things. I felt protected, cared, nurtured and assured that my mom will always be that rock for me. She is by far the strongest, biggest and most important person in my life. I was so lucky to be chosen to be her baby!



Now I have a huge task..sort my emotions, values, desires and set forth goals for ME..for my future, though allowing a few stops to cry, mend and lick wounds. Must reincorpoate to my life the doctrine: "things are or they arent, nothing comes forced"

If anyone reads and feels Ive ever forced a situation, know please that I never intended it for the wrong reasons...I simply am looking to be loved, cared, nurtured, happy and offer all of this and myself in return.

Cuz the Bible says so!!

This past week I received an email from a concerned friend explaining that I lead an empty life cuz I have NO LOVE, that it only lies within Jesus and that saving my soul was a priority above all cuz I was to burn in hell. Fuming, I started to reply ...and at that moment I stopped took a deep breath and asked God for clarity.
Instead of an intense accusatory, nasty reply, I was able to compose one very self assured note that concluded with the demand to be respected for my acomplishments, my daily contributions and lastly by God's own command "love one another".

A few moments ago, in a documentary I learned that in Sri Lanka, upon knowing that a woman is a lesbian it is customary for the family to tie her up and have the males continuosly rape the female in order to convert her. SERIOUSLY? The level of stupidity all in the name of soul saving is beyond comprehension.

What baffles me however is that the God I grew up with, is one of love, of understanding..even if Roman Catholic, which is super traditional, somehow I always understood that the bible is a compilation of tales which are to be used for guidance; to learn the wrong and the good..and that only the Gospels really show what Jesus did, said...even then there are 4 Gospels! As a recolection of events, each one of them is a bit different from the other. However Holy the bible may be, there are books that that list craziness that defy sanity! here are a few examples:
Beware of barber:
Leviticus 19:27 “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

No tattoos!! Leviticus 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

No sex while having your period! Leviticus 20:18 "if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Gotta love the Leviticus! is one fun filled book! LOL

By default - all Latinos will go to Hell for eating pork and for having some dude in our family not recognize a kid.
Leviticus 11:8, discussing pigs, “You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.” Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

Which reminds me of a joke about Puerto Ricans in hell.

An airplane full of Puerto Ricans crashes on the sea..and unfortunately they end up in Hell.

After a few weeks God asks Archangel Michael: "Michael, we all know how special Puerto Ricans are. Please check with Lucifer and see how he's doing with his new tenants"

Michael gets on the red phone and hears it ring 5 times when finally Lucifer answers: "Hello!, ah damn it..hold on"

A few minutes later he gets back on the phone "yeah what's up?"

Michael: "Hey we were just checking to see.."when he gets interrupted by Lucifer: "nooo not again!!..Crap! brb"

A few MORE minutes later he gets back on the phone: "Mike - im sorry bit Im way busy - whats going on?"

Michael: "just checking on The Puerto.." AGAIN gets interrupted "I swear!!...damn it!! brb"

MORE and MORE minutes when finally Lucifer gets on the phone:"quick!! tell me whats up?"

Michael says quickly: "just checking on the Puerto Ricans"

Lucifer: "Theyre driving me CRAZY!! They found some drums and started making loud music! They keep drinking, dancing having sex, partying till wee hours and somehow they managed to turn off the fire and ...WAIT!! ....Where the hell did they find that AC!!"?

Learning Pateince

I feel that every aspect of my life is now testing my patience.
My romantic aspect - or lack thereof - on hold...Must be patient.
My job - contract is up next month - must be patient
My next job - Cant go after it till contract is up - Must be patient
My move - if Im going to NY - not yet - Must be patient

Hmmm see a common thread? oh you dont? lol Must be patient!!

Shortcomings

We all have them - those things that keep us from being better - whether its a trait, a personality flaw, financial despair, or simple luck - we all that which keep us from being great..perfect!

However why does it sting so much when its compared to a new rival? Competition i believe is innate..we compete for attention, for money, for work, for LOVE! ah huh! We do! remember that your "best" self is what gets the attention of that person that has caught your interest. But what if that person has a better suitor? One with more patience, with more understanding, better sense of humor, better outlook...this person is WONDERRRFUL!!!! Heck this person even has better luck, money, car and yes more money than you do!

So how does one cope with that? how does one get confident and secure enough when you know your competitor has you beat?

As cocky and self reliant, and forthcoming as I can be, this type of realism is one that definitely makes one stop a minute to make out the next move.

Writing & the status of my heart

Writing has always been an escape - a way to form ideas that may not necessarily be concrete or complete in my head...yet somehow find their way through my fingers while I type away.

This moment i feel is pivotal to the rest of my life..I have a huge decision to make which somehow was forced on me.

A month ago my godsons still had a father, and a mom who is one the strongest and best moms Ive seen. i also had the benefit of a steady relationship with someone who swore to be there. I also had the back up of friends, co workers and a special someone who professed undying love - security - support and over all acceptance.

I will digress...My relationship was broken previously and although it was on steady grounds it was also one that had to be pieced together. Meanwhile as the infamous Marc Anthony song goes "Hubo alguien" - someone who was wonderful and caring, understood me and had so many thoughtful moments and details towards me that I must admit i never felt as special as I did then. Someone who I had, in order to move past whatever failures I had in my relationship, walk away from. yet, never walked away form the hope that there was still a story to be continued.

As life's turns would have it, my friend lost his life battling cancer, leaving my 2 godsons w/o a dad..and my best friend gasping for air to breath.

Now I'm a month away from my contract expiring..dealing with the left over emotional turmoil of accepting that maybe piecing my relationship back together was a mistake because when I most needed that support and that love to help me concentrate on what's best for those I love, the ground I was walking on started to shake and I fell down to another level.

In the last 15 years Ive always felt that if my personal life - my love life, my own personal space is in order then everything else will follow. The security i feel when I'm steady and working towards a common goal is one that fills me beyond belief.

Truth? i cant wait to be in a committed relationship. One that will not walk away when the going gets tough...unfortunately, not many people can commit or make good on their promises.

I'm now pondering whether its 2 failed relationships I should mourn..while i try to be patient enough for my contract to be over and then figure out my next step. I cant even wink an eye at another company or job until that contract expires...and w/o the support of a loved one I'm feeling desolate, a bit hopeless, a lot lonely and at times despair.

Praying for strength, patience and clarity..